Sometimes we catch ourselves using a tone we would never use with someone we love. A feeling appears, and we’re straight in with the criticism before we’ve even wondered what’s going on.
There can be real tenderness in beginning to respond differently. Giving that feeling a little room. Offering ourselves some of the patience we needed when we were younger.
I can see why people describe this as reparenting. There’s something meaningful in asking what was missing, and whether we can offer ourselves some of it now.
But I sometimes wonder whether another demand can slip in alongside the kindness. We’re supposed to become our own safe place, provide our own reassurance, understand every feeling and somehow supply all the care we went without.
That’s quite a job description for someone who may already be tired of managing alone.
Learning to care for ourselves can sit alongside receiving care from someone else. A friend who notices we’ve gone quiet. Someone who listens without immediately deciding what we ought to do. Being able to say, “I’m having a difficult day,” and finding there’s room for that in the relationship.
The people who care about us have needs and limits too. There will be times when they can’t offer what we’re hoping for. That can be disappointing, even when we understand. There’s room for honesty on both sides.
Sometimes what has softened is the way we speak to ourselves. Sometimes it’s our willingness to let someone see that we’re struggling, without feeling we have to arrive with it all worked out.
I’d like there to be room for the person who is learning to hold themselves and still wishes someone would sit beside them for a while.